PB4 A Solution to the Deer Problem

When I returned recently from celebrating the birthday of our glorious country on the Jersey Shore (home to nineteen varieties of biting flies), we encountered disaster: the deer had once again devoured our “deer resistant” shrubbery. It is time that our community addresses the “deer problem” once and for all. I know that there are those of you who enjoy watching the deer, and because you don’t have a yard or drive a car, want us to just leave the poor deer alone. And, as one who appreciates the great outdoors, I am sympathetic to those sentiments. But the deer have to go for three reasons. First of all the White Tailed Deer are not native to Ohio. They are therefore, I am sorry to say, illegal immigrants. Secondly, in a recent survey by the Department of Natural Resources, 95% of does were found to be pregnant. Clearly the deer are not practicing safe sex. Finally, hostas, the yard plant known to be the drug of choice among the deer population, is full of transfats and high fructose corn syrup. Deer should be eating nothing but organic weeds to stay healthy. As a public service, I have decided to try “critical thinking”, a technique recommended by teachers (but seldom actually used), to come up with a solution.

First, looking to our glorious history, I discovered that we have indeed been down this road before. In the late 1860’s, a plague of bison nearly ruined the West: some 50 million giant turf and shrubbery eating beasts roaming unchecked across the plains. Soon there were no hostas left west of the Mississippi. Trains were stopped in their tracks, waiting for the herds to pass by.
Babies born in the waiting cars were ready for school by the time the trains got going again. Americans were clamoring for something to be done. As is usual in our glorious history, a hero arose to meet the challenge, in this case a man named William Frederick Cody (his real name). William was born, not surprisingly, in Iowa. Hired by the Kansas Pacific Railroad to address the “Bison Problem”, he went to work. The first thing he did was to start calling the critters “Buffalos” to avoid the wrath of Bison lovers. Then he rounded up all his buddies and provided them with .50 cal rifles (made possible by something they had in those days called the second amendment), unlimited adult beverages, and tickets for trains headed west. When they came to a buffalo herd, they started shooting. William killed over 5000 bison himself and has been known ever since as “Buffalo Bill” (his real nickname). In very short order the hunters killed ALL the remaining buffalo, ending the “Bison Problem” forever. Unfortunately, it left a horrible gooey mess all over the landscape and the smell could be detected in Cincinnati.

I think we can do better. The one thing we’ve got going for us is that deer are stupid, dumber than a boat load of Kentuckians playing slot machines. So we take a big chunk of the recently acquired green space in Spring Valley and surround it with a 20 foot fence. Then we build a funnel shaped entrance with a narrow end and a very wide mouth. By planting row upon row of hostas from known deer areas (most of the county), we can entice the deer to follow the fence right into the narrow enclosure where they will be unable to figure out how to escape. You know, like a minnow trap. Soon all the deer in the area will be in the enclosure where they will have only a healthy diet of weeds. Perhaps the Planned NonParent Organization will donate a variety of deer contraceptives to keep them from getting in the family way. Push comes to shove, we can deport them to the “West” currently located somewhere on the Idaho/Wyoming border. Problem solved. I know it will be expensive but what choice do we have? Unless we want to go back to firearms and adult beverages . . .

There will be those that shake their heads, unconvinced, I’m sure. But YOU know I’m right.