PB21 Hat in the Ring

In my last column, I omitted a key phrase, which I need to correct immediately. In speaking of a potential post teaching political career, I stated that “I was struck by what a remarkably clean life I have led.” That sentence should have been followed by “for an ex-sailor”. Even so, the groundswell of support for my participation in the political process continues to grow. Since that column was published an additional three citizens have come forward suggesting it is time for me to offer myself as a candidate. That is an increase of over 100%, and one that I really don’t think I can ignore.

In that light, I have concluded that it is necessary to put myself, my family, and my friends through the sort of hell that modern campaigning has become. I owe that to my country and my community. But I want to assure my loyal readers (both of you) that I have no desire for self aggrandizement. I am only interested in serving man-(and woman) kind.

I won’t run on my war record. I want to state categorically that I have never been shot at, or shot at anyone else. I have to get that out right now. I am not proud of that fact, but it is true. I was in the military for nearly 30 years during which I was paid by the taxpayers every two weeks, and yet I never killed a single communist. This is not a very good return on investment for our citizens. All of my war stories are “supply war stories”. You know, like “the massive food poisoning incident”, the admiral’s lost shorts in the ship’s laundry caper”, and “the failure to balance out the cash at midnight crisis”. While fascinating, they will not stand up to the gripping tale of the Bosnian sniper attack on you know who.

I have also reviewed the sermons delivered by my spiritual advisors, Karen and Thom, over the past several years. I have found nothing controversial what-so-ever (other than the usual silliness like “love they neighbor”, “thou shall not kill”, or “the meek shall inherit the earth”). If my pastors did say anything controversial, I was either a. not there, b. “zoned out”, or c. “staring out into space”. I think Karen and Thom will back me up on that one. And I will disown ALL my grandparents AND Blackie before I will disown Karen and Thom.

There has also been some cheap shots from my detractors (yes, I have them) suggesting that a vote for me would be a “twofer”. The implication is that my loving wife of some 25 years tells me what to do and therefore I can’t think for myself. This is a lie. While MLWOS25yrs does tell me what to do, I don’t listen. I am either, a. not there, b. zoned out, or c. staring out into space. That doesn’t mean that she won’t play a meaningful role in the conduct of whatever political office I am elected to fill. She will have input into those issues that are important to her and the nation such as remodeling, fashion, and shopping.

It is also important to clear the air about my middle name. I don’t use it. I use my middle initial “R” on official correspondence. It’s not that I am ashamed of it. My parents gave me my name and they must have had good reason to do so. I just don’t think it should become a campaign issue. I know the rumor is out there that the R stands for “Redneck”. It does not. And I think that those spreading that rumor should be barbequed, run over by a pick up truck and spit on with tobacco juice.

The only question remaining is what office is most in need of my attention. I will leave that up to you, the citizens. As a veteran high school teacher, there are really no jobs I am not fully equipped to handle. But if I were on the city council, and was unsure how to handle the growing deer problem, I would not be resting on my laurels. You know I’m right.